For most people, saying ‘I love you’ is as simple as expressing any other feeling they may have. For others, it’s not that simple.
I’ve been hurt countless times. There is a lyric in the song ‘Push’ by Matchbox Twenty that says “And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved, by a hand that’s touched me,” and that explains everything about why it’s so hard for me to say the simple phrase with 3 words and 8 letters.
This is digging deep into who I am so bear with me. I grew up with the outlook that men will hurt you with no remorse and leave without no warning. My father did it to my mom, not only did he leave her but he left me and my brother. My father is not a good man. He’s a good man to my half sister but to me he was awful. He hurt me in more ways than one, which I’m not willing to get into on this blog. As a 3-year-old, I was sitting in my house screaming and crying that I hated daddy and I wanted him to leave. He claimed I didn’t get what I wanted and that’s why I was mad and upset, but that’s not why. That’s the first time a man has ever made something my fault when indeed it was his.
My father is the reason I have trust issues, my father is the reason that I believe no one will ever stick around or love me. Because if I wasn’t good enough for my own father, what makes me good enough for any other person of the opposite sex? Yeah yeah I know, I’m the girl with daddy issues. Might as well call me Meredith Grey because my father left, went and got a new family, and treated them better than he ever treated me.
I have loved everyone I have been with, but I’ve only truly been in love with 2 of them. I’m a loving person that is just who I am. I’m the kind of person that believes everyone should be loved no matter what they’ve done in the past. One guy, I fell in love with him before I even met him, he was perfect, I truly believed he was the one. When we finally met it was the best feeling in the world. We just cliqued right off the bat, everything felt so right. But what I didn’t know is he had a lot of problems of his own, he let his problems push me away. He didn’t want to get me involved in his f***ed up life. But I’m a big girl, I can make my own decisions, and I never understood why he wouldn’t just let me in. Out of some miracle a year later we are civil and friends but he still feels guilty for what he has done, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bring me some ounce of happiness that he feels bad.
I never knew if I’d feel the love I felt for him again. Since the day I had met him, no one has ever made me feel that way. But then someone else came along. Someone that I never thought I’d like in a million years. Someone like me, who thinks the way I do, and who doesn’t judge me when I’m judgmental and negative towards people and life. Someone who thinks the same things I do at the same exact time. Someone who just wasn’t my type at all. At first, I didn’t feel what I felt the way I felt it with the previous guy. I liked him very much, I loved being around him. He made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
He thinks he is like an anti-depressant, like I’m only around him because he makes me feel better, but that’s not the truth. Just because he makes me feel better, that doesn’t mean I’m using him for that, right? He thought I was still in love with the other guy, no matter how many times I told him I wasn’t, he just assumed. But just recently I realized that what I was feeling for him wasn’t just a strong like anymore, I realized that I could possibly be falling in love with him. So believe it or not, I texted the other guy, my best friend, and my sister. They’re all 3 totally different people, so the 3 different opinions made me realize that I was, in fact feeling what I thought I was feeling. It just took longer for me to feel it.
Would you believe me if I told you I was having panic attacks all weekend just trying to spit it out? That every time I was going to say it I choked and kept my mouth shut? What I had realized is that saying ‘I love you’ wasn’t as easy as it used to be. I’ve been shut out, hurt, and rejected by so many, that it finally took its toll on me in more ways than one. This time it had nothing to do with trust it just had to do with the fact that I did not want to say it and for him to get mad or hate me. I also waited because I thought maybe, just maybe it’s because I was in a new place and I was having a good time, but I got home and I still felt it. I did not want to feel it because I knew he didn’t want me to feel it. He’s made it quite clear that I’m not good enough. He’s made it quite clear he didn’t want to be with me because he thought I was still in love with the other guy, no matter how many times I told him I wasn’t.
Last night I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I was sick of having panic attacks, I was sick of being on the verge of tears. I was sick of my sister telling me to be confident for once and to just say it. I love my sister to pieces but when your sister is telling you that you need to be confident and say how you feel, you realize that you really have no confidence in yourself. The problem with the way I said it, is that I didn’t actually say it. I just said “I think you know what I want to say,” and I was just silent. When he said “are you really having a panic attack because you can’t say ‘I love you'”, I felt weak. I’ve been hurt so much, I’ve never been loved by anyone I’ve been with, so the simple act of saying ‘I love you’ is nearly impossible for me. I feel it, but I just can’t spit the words out.
Afterward, I went and sat in the bathroom on the floor in the dark and just cried. I cried myself to sleep. I’ve never felt more awkward in my life. I woke up and couldn’t even look him directly in the eye. Now I’m home after a long 3 days and I’m writing this blog post. This blog post that still doesn’t tell me why I can’t say those 3 words out loud. I can say them to my best friend, my sister, my family, but to someone that I am in love with, I can’t say it.
I’m sick of feeling so helpless. I’m sick of people telling me that I’m just too broken and fragile, that I’m not put together. I have a past, a past much different from others, that has made me the way I am. I have my outlets. The thing is, I just need someone to show me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed of who I am. No one is truly put together, everyone has their own set of problems, and some are just better at hiding them than others.
This is the first time I’ve told someone I’ve loved them in over a year, the last person I said it to was the other guy and he hurt me so greatly that I couldn’t even directly say it to this guy. The fact that he had to ask and I just shook my head is honestly the most embarrassing and heartbreaking thing to me. Why has every guy in my life hurt me so greatly that I can’t even let myself feel anything without feeling guilty or embarrassed?
I just want to know what it feels like to say I love you and hear someone say it back to me and mean it because the only two people that have said it never meant it. I want to know what it feels like to have someone who wants me and only me. I want to be able to do nice things for someone just because. I want a lot and I really don’t think I’m ever going to get it. Because these days, all guys want are random hookups because they have a goal to reach (number of girls to get with), because it’s easier.
“One good girl is worth a million hoes.”
I just want someone to show me that I deserve that affection, attention, love, and happiness. I want to know what it feels like to say ‘I love you’ and not feel embarrassed about it. But we all want things we can’t have.