This is honestly a question I’ve been struggling with for a few years now. Am I an embarrassment? To my friends, but really to guys. I’ve had someone in my life for 2 years now, and our relationship is very complicated, we’ve never actually been officially together, but we’re friends, but it’s not “just friends,” if you get what I’m saying. Basically, it’s complicated as hell. Having people in your life that you love, even the bad parts, is messy.
Something has been bothering me lately, and the last time it bothered me this much was probably a year and a half ago. I’ve never met anyone in his family or even any of his friends. There’s always excuses. Like “my family is different,” or “I don’t want them to upset you.” No matter what I say, it just never happens and it’s not like I’m asking for anything big, I mean, he’s met my family and he talks to my brother and sister, and I mean, I kinda just want to meet his. I’m sure he’s being honest when it comes to those excuses because he’s an awful liar. But, it feels like I’m the problem. Like he’s embarrassed of me and like he doesn’t want anyone in his life to know he is associated with me.
I’ve experienced this a lot, with a multitude of people. I had friends in high school who wouldn’t talk to me or hangout with me if they were with their other friends who didn’t like me. I wasn’t allowed in that circle when the others were around and it always made me feel inferior to everyone else. Having important people in your life is amazing, and feeling important to them is great too, which is why I hate the fact that I feel like I’m being kept a secret, and like I’m not good enough to be with other people’s friends or meet someones family. It makes me sit back and think about what’s wrong with me. Am I that bad that I can’t meet the people in your life? Would they judge you for being around me? What’s so wrong with me? And here I am picking myself apart trying to figure out what it is. I drop it, and I stop asking because I know it’s never going to happen. I ask once or twice and ask “why?” like I’m a 4 year old because I really just want to know why, and then I never bring it up again because I don’t want to piss them off and because there is no point in asking for something that won’t happen.
I realize this post is one big rant, but it’s an awful feeling. I just want to feel like I’m not an embarrassment to the people I care about. I’m not sure how many of you actually read my posts, but I just want you to know that if you feel this way and someone doesn’t let you fully into their life, let them go. Don’t be like me and hold on to them and expect things to change. IT’S NOT YOU, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL AND NO ONE SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED OF YOU.
Here I am, giving advice I can’t even apply to my own life but I’m working on it.